( voicetest ) diego hargreeves ; the umbrella academy

[supersharp]

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[supersharp]

[ it's at least a half hour before there's any sort of reply. not because he didn't see it right away or anything, but rather because what the fuck, klaus ]

am i the only one who gets these bullshit middle of the night texts?

[garb4ge]

[Diego, don't be uncultured.]

technically it's more 'early morning', since it's after most bars close

sometimes i prank call luther from pay phones

[supersharp]

[ he doesn't have time for that shit he's out there saving lives thank you ]

it's still dark out. it's the middle of the night.

klaus you might be the only person left who still uses payphones. why don't you just block your number instead of wasting your money?

[ there are more economical ways to prank call luther, brother ]

[garb4ge]

[Look, Diego, it's fine to admit you didn't have any friends cool or punk enough to invite you over to get high and watch The Young Ones.]

and yet you're awake. it's early morning.

and -- because sometimes i don't have minutes and i need to do something really funny, all right?

[Read: he's too poor to put minutes on his phone, but not too poor for the 35 cent call to the house from a payphone booth.]

[supersharp]

[ how very dare you call him out like that ]

haven't slept yet. it's the middle of the night.

life's gonna get real hard for you once all the payphones are gone, isn't it?

[ spend money more responsibly and you would be less poor ]

[garb4ge]

[It turns out that he actually pays more attention to this kind of shit than people think, the comings and goings of the house.]

nah, i'll just have to start stealing your cell phone more often

[Implying he's stolen it before ???

Spend money more responsibly, says the man who probably spends half of his income on tactical knives and spandex.]

[supersharp]

[ klaus spends so much of his time in a drug haze that diego honestly wouldn't have guessed he paid attention to much of anything! ]

hold up. what do you mean more often? have you stolen from me?

[ it's not spandex, it's leather! spandex offers literally no protect in a fight.

and by the way? knives save lives ]

[garb4ge]

[Everyone knows that as long as you're high when you remember things from when you were high last time, it works perfectly.]

i can't believe you would make such a baseless accusation of me out of left field like that, Diego

[Who hasn't he stolen from? He figures he's probably fine even if he's stolen from Diego, just as long as Diego doesn't find out he's stolen from mom.

Like you don't have to wear spandex under the leather to reduce chafing.]

[supersharp]

[ ah yes of course how silly of him to think otherwise! tho to be fair, diego doesn't really see any indication of klaus paying attention. of course it could be that diego, himself, isn't really taking notice of these sorts of things... ]

baseless? bullshit! you basically just admitted that you stole from me. what else did you steal besides my cell phone?

[ truth be told, diego will get over klaus stealing from him. he won't be happy about it and will try to get it to stop, but he'll get over it. stealing from mom though is a line you don't cross ]

[garb4ge]

[Diego, not pay attention to something? Like, for example, whether the front door of somewhere is open or not before he bashes through the window of the place? Sounds fake.]

to be fair, i at least put the phone back when i was done

[Just ignore any texts from his dealer.]

and nothing you missed, obviously, if you didn't notice

[supersharp]

[ who checks the front door of the house they're going to break in to unless they're looking into lockpicking their way inside or something?

also who leaves their door unlocked when they leave home?? ]

oh well that's fine then. as long as you put my cell phone back and only take shit that you think i won't notice. in that case, keep stealing my stuff!

[ texts from his dealer, you say. well isn't diego having access to klaus' dealer interesting... ]

[garb4ge]

[Bold of you to assume he only has one dealer, Diego.

But also ... fair.]

Right, that's what I figured. Thanks for the blessing, though! :)

[supersharp]

[ that's probably true. even if he did only have one dealer, klaus'd probably just find another.

at least it would be one less scumbag out there poisoning his brother, though ]

no. no no no. that is NOT me giving you my blessing. you DON'T steal from your family. got it?

[garb4ge]

What if it's technically dad's shit?

I mean, he's not going to use it AND he was horrible.

[Is he skirting the issue? Absolutely. He knows he ought not to steal from family, but sometimes things became ... desperate.]

[supersharp]

dad treated us and mom like shit. i don't care what happens to his stuff.

besides, you're the one who'd have to deal with him.

[ and it's only after the message is gone that he realizes he just gave klaus permission to sell dad's stuff for drug money.

reading before sending angry texts just isn't an option sometimes ]

[garb4ge]

Exactly, so it only makes sense that I take both the risks AND the benefits of the situation.

I wish you were this agreeable ALL the time, Diego.

[supersharp]

shut up. you know i wasn't trying to be agreeable. there are no benefits. don't you ever listen to anything any of us say to you?

[garb4ge]

Incorrect, Diego.

Making money? Benefit. Making dad miserable from beyond the grave? Benefit.

Besides, since when do you lot listen to anything I say to you?

[He's the one who found Vanya, remember?]

[supersharp]

making money to fund your drug addiction? not exactly a benefit. and okay i agree that pissing off dad is a benefit, but you know he could make you miserable too.

we listen when you say something useful.

[ okay, good point ]

[garb4ge]

Look, it's -- therapeutic. And I'm --slowing down.

[Not stopping, because stopping is -- hard, impossible, but at least he's trying not to hit the really heinous stuff.]

And how many times do you think you missed out on important information because you didn't think it was useful?

[supersharp]

[ okay, diego can understand how that might therapeutic to get that one last dig in at dad, but the rest of it, the drugs... he appreciates the idea of klaus slowing down but he can do better ]

how many times? none. i always listen when you have useful things to say. it just doesn't happen that often.

[garb4ge]

[Asking him to get off the weed? That's probably not going to happen.]

Mm. According to you.

[supersharp]

[ a guy can dream though, right? he can dream that someday his brother will actually be completely clean ]

yeah, according to me!

okay, name one time i didn't.

[garb4ge]

That time when we were ten and you were trying to make like, smoke bombs and you didn't trust that using string instead of toilet paper was gonna make a better fuse

And then you totally smoked yourself out

But that was hilarious so I guess I forgive you.

[supersharp]

[ sometimes, klaus' memories of events actually astounds him. given the shit that he's put in his body between now and then, diego would have figured thinking back 20 years might not be quite so easy ]

if i was just able to get the toilet paper rolled up a lot tighter, and if i could've made it stay that tight, everything would've been fine. it would've worked just as well as your stupid string.

oh good. your forgiveness make it feel like the wait of the world's been lifted off my shoulders.